your parents love me but you hate me
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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