I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
