At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
