I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
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