I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
