Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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