one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
