I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
