God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
