I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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