Only a mothe r could love this liver
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i think i have herpe
just one?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I deserve this hangover.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
