forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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