filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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