First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
