the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize