hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
