Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
