my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
