I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
