I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
