Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize