I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
