NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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