WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
