just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
4 words: hood of his car
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
