I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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