She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
