He disabled his match.com account in front of me
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize