I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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