I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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