he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
