turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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