he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
