Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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