he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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