I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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