I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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