Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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