shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Houston, we have a squirter
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
