i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize