I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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