I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
