he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
