I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
