i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
