apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
