i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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