You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
