What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
