i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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