i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
