I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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