he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
