omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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