I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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