Please don't use social media to get back at me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
