every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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