dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
